Would You like a Do-over?

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This month has had me thinking about all of the change that is in my world right now and while at times this may feel overwhelming, when I can shift my nervous energy into curiosity, it is all about new beginnings and excitement.

I have to share that I sincerely feel blessed. I am not well-to-do, but I feel rich in the blessings intertwined into my journey's fibers. I have so many beautiful souls in my life. It amazes me how much love I feel; my eyes well up when I think about it. This means the world to me. I believe I have a team of angels that help keep me in God’s light and I’m grateful for this celestial guidance; without it I would be lost.

But as I find my footing on the path of new beginnings, I am excited about what will come. I married a wonderful man this week; he is someone whom I feel truly gets me and accepts me just as I am. He supports my endeavors and helps me to bring my best self forward; he is pretty awesome!

I also finished my Master of Arts Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I’m now going through the state licensing processing and eager to be hands on in the field.

The old me would have wanted to fast forward 5 years ahead in my life to see where this all takes shape but today I have realized that the journey gifts much more than the destination. In the meanwhile I will appreciate each breath I take and embrace each as a moment anew.

Are you ready for a new beginning? What has stopped you? Let’s talk about it. Drop me a note!

In my heart, I have enough love for me and you; shine your light with me!

Perfectionism Stifles the Human Experience

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“In a perfect world…,” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used this phrase; our world is far from perfect, and I believe this to be good. Without its flaws, it would be mundane. Think of all the triumphs in your life; had the world been perfect, you would not have had those experiences. My quest for perfectionism just about killed me in my young adult life. I was adamant that I had to be the perfect mother, cook, housekeeper, wife, daughter, sister, employee, and so on, and this didn’t work out so well for me. When we put all our energy into being perfect in all areas of our lives, we drain ourselves physically and mentally. We become disappointed with ourselves and those who surround us, too. We expect too much, the impossible day after day!

I think the intent is good beneath the expectation, we just want the best in our world, but we’re not considering that the best is still flawed. We have to be realistic, and when we can do this, we stop sacrificing our peace of mind and energy, which is really too precious to give away unnecessarily.

My creative spirit, over the years, has helped me to come to appreciate my flaws. When I mess up in a drawing or work of art, I now try to embrace it and work to make this new attribute part of the piece. It may not have been in my original vision, but it was something that came to the surface and exposed itself, and I believe this was a piece of vulnerability that needed to come forward. When we can focus on the good stuff in life instead of trying to control an outcome and just put forth our best, somehow the universe helps put the pieces together, and it all works out.

When I think of all the time I have spent worrying about things that were out of my control, I realize how I sacrificed my health. Today, perfection still rears its ugly head, but I am a bit quicker to notice it and then realign by pulling back the reigns a bit. I’m getting there. How about you? It's a hard habit to break because often people think it's helping them. But is it really?

Overcome Cravings through Impulse Control

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I’m here with you, trying to live a healthier life. And although I may fail a number of times when I look at my life today, it is much healthier than the life I led 5 years ago, so I’m trending in the right direction. And my small successes are adding up and helping me! It is helpful to look at trends in your journey instead of day-by-day micro-analysis; this way is more compassionate and eye-opening.

WebMD.com advises on developing impulse control, “You can improve self-control at any age, according to Marc N. Potenza, MD.

For kids: Practice and practice again; keep it up. Learning and further developing social skills such as sharing, taking turns, and allowing others to speak without interuption is not only polite, it's an exercise in impulse control. Starting this training early helps build brain function and instills good habits that continue for a lifetime.

For grown-ups: "Trying to foster good habits in people at an early age is helpful but it's never too late. People can change -- particularly if they are motivated to change," says Potenza. To fight temptation, try substituting a healthier immediate reward for the less desirable treat you crave. For example, put a dollar into a vacation fund every time you resist the urge to have a drink.

If tips don't do the trick, medications combined with cognitive behavior therapy can reduce compulsive behaviors, including gambling and substance abuse.”

Remember not to be too harsh on yourself during the change process; self-love enables positive change, while bullying yourself only makes you feel worse.

The message here is that you can develop impulse control, which is key to your persevering spirit manifesting positive change. Don’t give up!

What are you trying to change? What do you feel like you can't give up? Tell me about it.

Deflate the Air in Despair

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When we are in the midst of despair, we have inadvertently imprisoned ourselves in a self-created hell. The walls that lock us in are intertwined with our own overwhelming feelings coated with murky thick emotions. It snowballs uncontrollably into a disastrous path of self-destruction; it is hard to believe we end up there, and it seems unintentional, but it truly is self-imposed. Again, like I said in the article, it doesn’t mean you are not suffering hardship, but this mindset exasperates the problem.

Most of us have been there and it a pretty scary place to be. How do we get there? The feeling of being ambushed by life’s turmoil from circumstances such as betrayal, loss of a loved one, divorce, job loss, loss of health, and other traumas that are unfortunately part of our world, all of which have been part of mine, causes a lot of suffering. I’ve been there, but fortunately for me, I found an ember of hope in what seemed to be a hopeless situation; it was burning deep within, so the feelings of despair were short-lived. Although the hardship surrounding this experience was not, it took a long time to overcome. We cannot always avoid pain when hardship is in our lives, although we can sometimes minimize its wrath. I remember feeling despair when I gave up hope on my marriage; as I looked into my children’s eyes, it crushed my spirit, knowing I would be raising them in what felt like a broken home. But I also knew raising them in an unhealthy home that was full of rage instead of love would be worse, so I pushed forward. I gathered my courage and hope because of my love for my kids; it was greater than the hardship itself, and it was my lifeline. Yes, we’ve had some difficult times, but we have survived. When I stepped forward as a survivor, I wasn’t being victimized by my situation or my fear any longer. My desperation was behind me.

It is easy for us to feed the energy of hardship and when we do, it gets the best of us. It takes work to step out of it, start telling yourself, “I've got this,” and accept that you will survive any pain that manifests. Why? Because you are no longer a victim, you have taken back your control as a survivor.

Talk to me; I'm here listening. Let's shine light where we focus; it feels better.

Memory Loss and Health

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I have struggled with memory loss significantly over the past couple of years. My life 3 years ago was extremely overwhelming; my lack of sleep, anxiety, and diet left me feeling like a scatterbrain. I was stressed by the actions of those who surrounded me. I had just started my Master’s program at work, and my health was suffering significantly. Each morning, when I got out of bed, I felt more tired than when I had climbed into bed the previous night. I really felt like I was going crazy. I had always been able to count on myself to remember things naturally before this, but more and more, my memory was letting me down. I would go to the store for a particular item, get home, and realize I bought a number of things but forgot the item I drove to the store to get. At times, I would even get confused while navigating familiar routes. I felt positive that I was in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease.

During this time, I was self-employed (and worrying about my bills a lot), and the last thing I wanted to do was incur medical expenses, so the doctor was not an option for me. I kept trying to crawl into bed earlier, but it didn’t seem to help me; I was still just as tired each morning. A few months later I started physically shaking sporadically and, these tremors were the straw that broke the camel’s back for me, I decided it didn’t matter the cost, my health was more important than any bills. I started seeing the doctor regularly and underwent many tests. My doctor diagnosed me initially with mono, and she continued to test me for many other ailments in an attempt to find the cause of my tremors. About 1 year later, I was also diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. During this time, I also honed in on my diet and supplements to address potential deficiencies.

Eventually, a neurologist determined that my tremors were not a precursor to any illness but something that many people suffer. If they get worse or impact my life negatively, I was told I could get medicine for them, but I still believe they are tied to my diet. It seems like when I suffer blood level spikes, I get the shakes. If I eat right and take supplements, my tremors seem to subside.

I can’t express how horrific it is to not feel right and, of course, to think the worst of the situation; I thought I was dying, stricken with some horrific disease like Alzheimer's or cancer. It was a tough road to travel, but I’m grateful I trudged down it, perhaps reluctantly, but I got there. I’m still trying to figure out how to actually sleep while wearing an Apnea mask, but I will get there eventually. My memory isn’t as sharp as it was during my young adult years, but it I continue to stretch it as I embrace my mid-forties.

The message in my article is that silent suffering and self-diagnosing worst-case scenarios only add to our problems. When we face our fears, we can shed light on the darkness and find our way to a healthier future.

What are you suffering today? Are you facing it or hiding from it?

Unraveling the Chaos

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Drama, drama, drama, is it all around you? Could you be provoking it or at least energizing it a bit? It is really important to show up honestly if you want to put out the fire that seems to be burning up your life.

How can you dowse these flames? First and foremost, self-awareness is fundamental to your success.

By acknowledging the drama, you can stop the chaos that is center stage in your life, so STOP it! Figure out how to get your adrenaline rush from healthy sources like exercise instead. If you are channeling energy into the drama of others, WHY are you doing this?

Negativity attracts negativity. You have to stop feeding the beast and instead release its shackles, proactively create peace in your life, and shed light on the darkness.

The source, TinyBuddha.com offers many quotes about drama, this one by Eckhart Tolle sums it up nicely, “When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.”

It seems difficult to honor the present moment when we have other people in our lives, and, of course, we cannot control them. But, once we can surrender to the fact that we do not need to control others and all we need to do is control ourselves, we become empowered instead of disempowered by drama. This is key to unraveling the knot of chaos and manifesting balance.

Does any of this make sense to you? Do you think it will make a difference in your life? Give it a try, and let me know if it works out or not; you and your loved ones are worth it. Shed some light into the world and stop feeding the darkness. 

Birth order, continued...

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Click on the below article link to obtain background information to this blog post:

Examiner article

So, as a youngest child I most certainly do not fit his description of selfishness but the more I researched Adler's birth order theory, the more I realized how my upbringing involves less of the influence because of other factors he mentioned. There were only 5 years between my oldest sibling and me with 2 other siblings in between us. We were economically poor so I believe the whole “spoiled” thing with the last-born was not applicable to me. Darn, I think I missed out:(

 There are other factors that interfere with birth order impact also.

Adlerian.US explains, “A child's birth order position may be seized by another child if circumstances permit… The child's opinion of himself and his situation determines his choice of attitude… Birth order is sometimes not a major influence on personality development. The other potentially significant influences are: organ inferiority, parental attitudes, social & economic position, and gender roles. Adler speculated that birth order differences would begin to disappear when families became less competitive and autocratic, and more cooperative and democratic.”

I have a sister who is 13 months older than me and she seemed to steal my limelight (or "seize" it in Adler's words). I think she is a better fit for the youngest child profile. As a child and as an adult, I am someone who loves to share; it feels good to share things and experiences with others. It warms my heart.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household developing while I (and my sisters, brother) were trying to survive the impact of alcoholism. I think, because of these circumstances, as apposed to being someone pampered as the youngest, I almost felt invisible and, at the time this wasn't a bad thing. When the household is devoured by a drunken rampage, blending into the wall is something that becomes a coping mechanism.

It took self-awareness, an open mind and a willingness to heal as an adult to overcome this in order to find my confidence and voice.

Although my family dynamics skewed the application of Adler’s birth order charting, I do believe it is a good starting point when working with a client.

What are your thoughts?