Photo of Thomas & Family provided by Thomas Gagliano
Click
on the below article link to obtain background information to this blog post:
Thomas Gagliano talked about
his book, The Problem Was Me.
In his words, “My book is
based on childhood messages, those ingrained deep in our soul. While watching a
baseball game on television my eight year old son explains this better than I .
He said, ‘Dad why do the kids in the stands get so excited for their favorite
baseball player.’ I said some baseball players are heroes to those kids. I
suggested that someday one of those players might be his hero. My son paused
and said, ‘They may be my hero someday but you will always be my first hero.’
As parents we are our
children’s first heroes, whether we want the responsibility or not. Unfortunately negative messages in
childhood will unleash a tsunami of negative voices and thoughts in our adult
lives. If these thoughts aren’t exposed an inner critic develops in our
thinking. This inner critic, who I call The Warden, is that little voice in our
head which constantly tells us what they’re doing wrong, never allowing us to
celebrate our victories. This inner critic will imprison us in roles, roles we
may not want to play. For instance, how many people play the caretaking role
where they carry the burden of the world on their shoulder unable to let it go?
How many of us are the people pleaser where we say yes all the time because it
is too painful to say no. Some of us play the invisible roles where we lose our
voice in our relationships. The defiant role where we do the opposite of what
others tell us to do. These are
just a few examples.”
He continued, “There are three
elements needed to silence this inner critic so we can stop listening to its
commands and find peace in our lives. The first essential is awareness. This
means we need to find out what is broken inside so we know what has to be
fixed. Second essential is actions. Initially these actions will be
uncomfortable because we are moving away from the roles we’re used to playing.
This is where we may need the help of others to do for us what we can’t do for
ourselves. Finally, we need
maintenance. If we don’t maintain these actions the Warden will be back to take
control of our behavior again.
If we don’t expose this inner
critic we will hand it down to our children. My book also serves as a
blueprint, a blueprint to give our children the positive and loving messages
that may have been denied to us. For example several years ago we had to put
our dog to sleep. Our oldest son was the same age as the dog, and he was very
attached to her. As we returned from the veterinarian’s office, I noticed our
son was sad and withdrawn. I asked him if he was okay. He said, ‘I’m fine dad.’
I asked again, he replied, ‘I’ll be alright.’ Instead of walking away, I hugged
him. His tears started to flow as his grip on me tightened. At that moment, I
knew I was providing my son a safe haven for him to cry. The message I relayed
to him that day was that to cry in the arms of his father is acceptable. I
never had a safe place to go as a child, but my son does. We need to give our
children the message that it’s okay to make mistakes in life so they don’t
internalize themselves as a mistake. If we deny our children compassion when
they stumble at times we negate a part of their humanness. If they lose
compassion for themselves they will lose compassion for others as well. Only
when I started to believe that I wasn’t a bad person who deserved to be
punished but rather a discouraged person who needed help did I let the love of others
into my life. Like all my other
distorted perceptions, I believed the God of my youth was vindictive and angry,
believing he would hurt my family for my injustices. How could a higher power
love someone like me. When I healed internally I allowed spiritual love in.”
