Nurturing young survivors of divorce

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Although it saddens me that I was unable to maintain a healthy marriage, I realize I did my best and, even considering the pain we all shared, I feel like my boys have survived, to date, as healthy as possible. My article is based on my own experience and although I didn't research it, the first article I looked at (and linked to) validates my advice. I know I can only control my impact on my kids and I believe my focus was and continues to be in there best interest. I've told them many times, I would do it all over again (even knowing how the marriage ended) because the love shared between me and their father did create them. I couldn't imagine my life without my boys. They truly make my world and I hope they feel the same way about me in some way! I've copied the original article in below that was posted on the Examiner before they closed their internet doors and pulled the content with them.

Nurturing young survivors of divorce

As parents, it is our primal goal to provide love, a healthy environment and encouragement to our children.  Everyone wants to mentor their offspring into successful, giving adults, perhaps raising the next President of the United States; after all, they are our future.  Today’s family structure is much different than the hierarchy of family from forty years ago.  Blended or single parent households are now more the norm as opposed to the Leave It to Beaver parental role models.  How do parents continue to nurture their young survivors of divorce as roles change and traditional family breaks down?

By, most importantly, creating a forum supporting honest and open communication; keep your children apprised (providing enough age appropriate information) of how their environment and roles will change even when you’re unsure of the outcome.   It is okay and part of real life to admit that you do not have all of the answers and although things will change, all will work out.  Hiding the truth and denying the change will only delay the inevitable and increase stress. 

Kids are very smart; they pick up non-verbal cues and then begin to imagine the worse as they take on unjust ownership for the turmoil.   It is essential to accept ownership for the failed marriage; both parents presenting a united front to the children.  If it isn’t possible to do this, it is necessary to communicate shared parental responsibility instead of verbalizing fault of your partner during the discussion with the kids.  Blaming their other parent only causes confusion and weakens your child’s self-esteem.   

Emotions will run high and there will be times when you lose your composure and strike out, with your children in your line of fire.  When this happens, acknowledge you acted inappropriately and apologize.  Show them your respect to enable theirs and gift and receive forgiveness!

Adolescents are resilient and they will emerge healthy.  Keep your focus on them; this will help you cope through the difficulty also.  Make a new routine welcoming love and adventure; even when you feel like hiding away from the world!  Enable your children to have options in your new routine and keep them busy.  Maybe, you set up Monday as game night or Friday as movie night and the kids take turns picking the games or movies.   

It is possible to support your children’s wellbeing during even the most troubling times.  By being honest, communicating, surrendering to change, offering respect and encouraging participation, you will counter the negativity of divorce and gift your children an environment promoting their healthy growth!