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Maxine
Browne continued the interview.
In her
words, “Then, thank God, I snapped out of my way of thinking and chose to leave
my husband instead. The marriage lasted for 10 years. I thought marriage
was meant to last until death do us part, unless there was adultery. This was
how I was raised. This was what I believed to be right and true. However, the
emotional and mental abuse took such a toll on me that I felt I could not go
on. Today I see the flaws in my logic. But at the time, this plan seemed to be
my only way out. I was going to hang myself in the shed. I didn’t want to make
a mess and my daughter would not find me. I didn’t ask myself how a mother’s
suicide might affect my 10 year old.
I clearly remember having the
thought, if God doesn’t care more about me than this I care more about me more
than this! This thought opened my thinking, and I began to seek other options.
I talked to my oldest daughter. ‘I can’t do this anymore. I
have nowhere to go, but I can’t live like this.’ She said, ‘Talk to Mary (a
family acquaintance who worked with troubled youth). She never tells you what
to do, but you figure things out while you talk to her.’
So I called Mary. I made a Saturday appointment. ‘I feel
frozen,’ I said.
She said, ‘You are not frozen or you would not be sitting on
my sofa. You are moving, you just can’t tell you are moving.’
‘I don’t have anywhere to go.’ She said, ‘Come here.’
That was Saturday. I moved in with her the following Tuesday
evening.
All I needed was a plan, an
exit strategy for my situation. Before Mary spoke up, my only option was
suicide. With a better plan came a better outcome.”
Her
counselor’s advice, “I had a very wise counselor. She said, ‘Maxine, the
lawyers will all go home one day. Negotiate matters so that in the future you
can all attend high school graduations and weddings without drama. Think long
term, not short term.’ With this background, I negotiated my custody,
visitation, and divorce settlements. I protected myself from verbal abuse on
his part. If he began to insult me over the phone, I said, ‘Someone is at the
door. I have to go now. Have a nice day.’ If he would begin to insult me in
person, I would say, ‘I have to go now. Have a nice day.’ I’d Exit. I protected
myself so I could recover.
All negotiation was based on long-term thinking. I also
found that I could ask him for nothing. If I asked for a change in weekend
visits, it gave him power, so he would deny my request. I learned to keep my
power by never asking for favors. It worked for me.
After he remarried, things got even calmer. We recently
attended my daughter’s high school graduation with absolutely no drama. We had
separate celebrations to prevent negative incidents. We created a system that
works for everyone.
Her spirit evolved, “This was
not my only abusive relationship. I was confronted with the question: Are all
men dogs? Or is there something broken in me that attracts broken men? I must
say that the latter was the only logical answer. So I began an aggressive
course of healing my inner self. I went to 4 years of Adult Children of
Alcoholic meetings to resolve issues of being raised in an alcoholic home. I
went to 2 years of individual therapy and one year of domestic violence support
group therapy.
My faith has gone beyond a traditional Christian faith to a
more expanded spiritual view. I read
lots of books and focus on inner peace and healing. I believe God is everywhere,
not just inside a church. We are all connected. We are all one and God dwells
within us all. Today I feel whole. I married a wonderful family man with a
healthy life view. Today we are at peace."
Her advice for anyone suffering
domestic violence, “An abuser never wears a sign or a black hat. As a matter of
fact, when you meet him, he will seem perfect. He will woo you. He sweeps
you off your feet. He can’t get enough of you. This may not be alarming; it may
even be charming. Be careful! He may be an abuser.
He hates your family and friends? Watch out! This could be a
red flag that you have met an abuser.
He may be concerned with how you dress. He doesn’t want
anyone to think of you like one of those women. Oh, oh! Watch out! He
may be an abuser.
These three signs are the most common early
warning signs:
1. Whirlwind
romance
2. Isolates
you from friends and family
3. Excessive
possessiveness or jealousy
If you see this pattern, please talk to a domestic violence
advocate.”
Maxine talked about her book, “Domestic Violence is not
about physical assault. It is about control. One person in the relationship
tries to control the other person through a series of tactics. In my book,
Years of Tears, I share the story of
what my family suffered during my 10-year marriage to a controlling tyrant. For
the book, I interviewed my two oldest children who tell the story of being
abused by their stepfather. I show how control tactics were used against our
family. I then outline the impact the tactics had on the family and the red
flags I did not see that could save you or your friend from the abuse we
suffered. The book is available on Amazon and there is a Kindle version,
http://ow.ly/hHZJV.”
You can contact Maxine for a speaking event by emailing her
at maxinebrowne@dv-recovery.com, follow her on Twitter (@MaxineBrowne) or
connect with her on Facebook at
http://ow.ly/gZ8i8.
