Photo of Honduran dancers provided by Barbara Joe
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Barbara
Joe continued the interview talking about the impact of her loss.
In
her words, “After my son’s death, my three other children and little granddaughter
kept me going, though I immediately became hyper-vigilant about them, jittery
about each late night phone call or delayed arrival. If not for them, I don’t
know what I would have done. I cannot imagine losing any of them, though,
unlike other parents innocently taking their children’s lives for granted, I
know that death always exists as a possibility for them and for any one of us.
I’ve realized how short and precious each life is and that every day is a gift,
clichéd as that sounds. Things that might have distressed me before, such as my
ex-husband’s refusal to speak with me for years, or even such ordinary travails
as being snubbed by a former friend or getting a parking ticket fail to bother
me anymore.
Although
it in no way can bring back our lost children, I’ve found solace through a
support group for bereaved parents, The Compassionate Friends, where I’m now
able to comfort parents still in shock after losing their own children. My son
Andrew was buried along with our pet black Lab, Claire, whom he had named, in
property we own in rural Virginia. On his gravestone, we put a line from Walt
Whitman, ‘I stop some where waiting for you.’ Alex is buried in Our Lady of
Mercy Cemetery in Miami, where he died. In 1997, I visited Alex’s family in eastern
Cuba and gave them my photos of him. I am also trying to get him commemorated
with a panel on the national AIDS quilt. Jonathan, my younger son, named his
own son, now age 10, Andrew after his late brother. Andrew died on my older
daughter Melanie’s birthday, making that always a bittersweet occasion. He also
died a few days before Christmas, as did Alex, so those holidays are devoted
more to remembrance than to celebration in our family. There are photos of both
boys all over my house. I don’t mention their deaths when first meeting
someone, as that is an immediate conversation-stopper. However, if asked, ‘How
many kids do you have?’ I may say, Three on earth and two in heaven.”
Barbara
seized the moment, “On my 60th birthday, with my kids and granddaughter
gathered around, I made a wish and blew out all the candles (only 6). I then
announced that since I’d be getting my wish, I would join the Peace Corps. My
children were skeptical, because I’d often spoken about that possibility
before, but had never followed through. Yet somehow, turning 60 was a turning
point for me. Since the application process would be long and detailed, I
decided to get started. I wasn’t afraid of the unknown because the worst had
already happened to me and I was still left standing. I was not afraid of my
own death, rather more afraid of not seizing available opportunities available
while I still could. We only go through this life once. I thought I’d benefit
from being in a totally new environment with new challenges, which turned out
to be the case. However, death among children was a sad reality in Honduras,
though I was able to offer genuine sympathy to parents there through shared
experience.”
She
talked about her life currently, “Today, I still live on Capitol Hill in Washington,
DC, a few blocks from the historic Eastern Market and the capitol building,
near the national mall and museums. The brick row house, which I bought with my
husband back in 1969 when we first moved here, is now more than 110 years old.
My granddaughter Natasha and her five-year-old son De’Andre live in a nearby
Virginia suburb. Her mother, my daughter Melanie, lives in Norfolk, Virginia,
about four hours away by car. I don’t own a car myself, preferring to use
public transportation out of concern both for the environment and my own
pocketbook. My other two children, Stephanie and Jonathan, live in Honolulu,
almost on the other side of the world, although we do visit back and forth. I
share my home sometimes with foreign visitors or friends on an informal basis,
as the location is very convenient.”
She
is active in her community.
Barbara
explained, “After Mother died in 2006, I expanded my interpretation work, which
has proved helpful to others and gratifying to me. Occasionally my clients have
been bereaved parents. At age 74, I still work almost every weekday for a few
hours as a Spanish interpreter, traveling everywhere on public transportation.
Neither heat, cold, rain, snow, or sleet can keep me from my appointed rounds!
I also return annually to Honduras, 9th time this past February, 2013, to volunteer
with medical brigades and other projects partly supported by my book sales. I
also have been invited to speak about my book and Peace Corps at libraries, in
senior centers, on radio programs, and at continuing education centers. Grass
doesn’t grow under my feet! I advocate for Peace Corps service for all ages, as
it can enrich the lives of older as well as younger people and volunteers with
more experience under their belts usually have more to offer and enjoy more
respect. We also act as mentors to younger volunteers.
Her
advice, “I help others and they help me, it’s a continuous circle; anyone can
initiate their own reciprocal and expanding circle, different for every person.
Follow your interests, your passions. Baby boomers, you have years of useful
life ahead of you! When I go to Honduras, I work closely with local volunteers
and also stay with local folks. They don’t have e-mail and few have phones, so
they don’t know when I’m coming, but they always open up their homes to me.
Honduras is a fairly small country, 8 million people, and I’ve become a
well-known person there over the years. Hondurans call me, Dr. Barbara, even
though I’ve never been a medical doctor, just a health volunteer. But in that
capacity, during my Peace Corps service, by default because I’m a warm body
with some knowledge and experience, I’ve helped deliver babies, hand over
instruments in the operating room, suture wounds, monitor infections, and
removed casts. I have escorted at least 100 children and their parents to
visiting volunteer medical brigades, mostly for cleft palate or clubfoot
surgery. Therefore, I’m often recognized when I travel in Honduras, a fish in a
small pond. I say that if something is on your bucket list, as Peace Corps was
on mine, go ahead and do it. You don’t know exactly what will come from that,
but something new, no matter what your age. The average age of Peace Corps
volunteers is 28, but a growing number are over 50.
Change
is often more a matter of mindset rather than of getting a rare lucky break,
though lucky breaks do help. Mostly, people need to proactively strengthen
their connections with family and with their neighbors, friends, and
associates, as well as in volunteer activities and travels and hobbies, trying
out new endeavors that may succeed or fail—if the latter, just then let them go
and go on to something else. I don’t have a TV set, so I never watch television,
which with few exceptions, I consider a waste of time. Ditch the TV and you
will have more free time to pursue your passions and interests.
Barbara
described her written works, “While in service, I posted monthly, Letters to Honduras, on a website whose
readers begged me to create a book. The title refers to the two towns where I
served, El Triunfo and La Esperanza. On the cover and inside are numerous
photos from Honduras. The cover’s blue and white colors are those of the
Honduran flag. Readers have included future and former Peace Corps volunteers,
baby boomers, arm-chair adventurers, and bereaved parents. My main message is
that no matter what your age or challenge, you can forge a new path.
My book starts out with my
first visit to Honduras in 1941 at age 3 with my parents, one of my earliest
memories. My Dad was working at the time at Mayan ruins of Copán. By great good
luck, I was assigned to go there with the Peace Corps, so it was sort of like a
homecoming. After briefly sketching my
previous life, including the loss of my boys, I get right into the nitty-gritty
of Peace Corps service, no sugar coating, telling it like it is, both its
successes and challenges. I was very fortunate to have learned Spanish as a
teenager when living with my family in Colombia, a skill that stood me in good
stead in Honduras, as learning a new language at age 62 would otherwise have
been a challenge. Adventure, humor,
romance of sorts, surprises, and even boredom, illness, and robbery all are
included. The physical conditions, including bucket baths, using outhouses, and
making tortillas by hand over a wood fire, are really pretty easy to get used
to and, for me, the reverse culture shock of returning to the land of hustle
and bustle, supermarkets, hot showers, and flush toilets was actually harder
than going to Honduras in the first place. In Honduras, people have a very
small carbon footprint. The book displays my photos on the cover and
throughout. I’ve been surprised and gratified by the book’s positive reception.
And, a few readers have actually claimed it inspired them to join the Peace
Corps. I’m thrilled about that. They
went in with their eyes open. It’s also nice for me to have the book to
reminisce.
Washington
Post Columnist Ed O’Keefe said, ‘Barbara’s book is a great read… Buy and
read this book, no matter your age
(April 27, 2009).’ According to Humberto Rodríguez-Camilloni, PhD, in The Roanoke Times (Feb. 1, 2009), ‘This compelling autobiographical
narrative is a remarkable triumph of the human spirit.’ Mid-West Book Review called it, ‘An inspiring read, (March 9,
2010).’ Peace Corps Writers named my book Best
Peace Corps Memoir of 2009. It also won awards for Best New Non-Fiction Finalist from National Indie Excellence Awards and National Best Books.”
