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I remember when I was devoted to a long work-week scheduled
at the office serving a director’s position managing staff, going to school for
my Bachelor’s of Business degree, raising my 2 precious sons and doing this all
while going through a divorce; the sentence alone is a run on and
inappropriate. It is hard for me today to imagine juggling all of this at the
same time. It was horrific. While I was at the office, I was present because I
didn’t have a choice not to be: I felt I had to support a single household so I
gave it my all. I was lucky my sister’s and parents were there to help me. I
took as many online classes as possible in school and, of course, I gave this
my all; I graduated with a 4.0 GPA. My super-human mindset was motivated by the
need to provide a good life for my kids and while I was with them (evenings
into the nights and weekends) I gave them 100%. We played, cooked, read books,
visited family, went to the movies, explored and we did anything else we could
think of that was fun. I remember when we used to lay on the trampoline at
nightfall and watch the bats swoop down to catch bugs then we’d go in and
research and read about them. The time with my kids made everything else
worthwhile to me but the havoc of juggling so much was stressful and, because I
never gave myself a break or allowed me to slow down, my body took the toll. I
became very unhealthy and my own worst enemy during several years of this
routine. I was so hard on myself. Mentally I would beat myself up for my faults
and physically I was diagnosed with ulcerous colitis, migraines, Barrett’s
Esophagus and reflux. On the outside it looked like I was holding my life
together and pushing it forward but inside I was crumbling.
I didn’t like myself at this time. I never felt like
anything I did was enough; it didn’t matter what I overcame or how much I
accomplished, I would just beat myself up for my mistakes.
Since then I have learned so much through the moments of
self-reflection gifted while on my spiritual journey. I realize if I had continued
that life, my prognosis would not have been good. I had sacrificed way too much
in an effort to do it all!
Today I have many goals and I am busy but this agenda is
held together by self-care. I am kinder to me and this makes all of the
difference. The forty-something me could not step back into the shoes of the
early thirty-something me and move it along like I did at that time. The wiser
me would pick quality over quantity. She would still be driven and goal-minded
but this would cover a reasonable timespan. My health would be a priority not
an afterthought. Today I have put to rest my inner perfectionist and instead I
welcome my, sometimes disorderly, peacemaker to surface.
How do you view the world? Are you flexible and forgiving or
rigid and cold?
